This little fucked up thing

JIm bob tried to say I was a special girl today.
he sounded like a stupid boy.

i feel like shit all the time.
Since the doctor said there wasn't an anti depressant in the world that could help me I feel stuck with this forever.
I'm honest to god going to feel like this for the rest of my life. Seriously... fuck man its hard to contemplate.
 

he told me i had to make a decision... and i do.

do i carry on, or do i end it? and how much of a chance should i give this life malarky?

its crystal clear this s only going to get worse.

So shits been kicking off lately.
Arguments and jizzle, and it suddenly became sterling why i don't get excited as a rule.
You see people always piss on it, ALWAYS. They can't help themselves, they see something I might enjoy and they just fuck it up.
Or rather the powers that be do.
You see especially gig time rolls around... and... well.... its the only thing i get excited about. I don't anymore but i like to entertain the notion of excitement and of course that gets pissed on.
Before this gig my nan had to have the doctor out. So I didn't want to leave her, then my best friend in the juniors comes down from Orkney and she doesn't even bother to tell me until its too late.
I haven't seen her in 5 fucking years, I've been writing to her for 5 fucking years and she doesn't even bother to tell me, she doesn't say anything other than 'its a suprise' a suprise I'd told her before I couldn't go to so she didn't even think to say anything.
I was on the bus when I got told she was there. So fucking angry.
I was slightly fucked off before. but now fuck it.
I'm done with listening to all the bitching, the patronizing, the dismissal, the 'oh ive found someone better to talk to', the bitchy little digs at the fact im still a virgin, the spreading of stuff about me thats none of her business, the 'i can't believe you got a better grade than me', the belittling, the whole anorexia thing which no i never did forgive her for and won't until im thin again. This whole 'surprise' thing though, is the icing on the cake.


I'll show you which bitch bites.
 

I spent today alone... completely alone, an occurence that has happened more frequently.
I haven't talked to my so called 'best friend' in weeks, a month possibly?
She blew me out, that made me feel shit hot too... but hey I'm sure she needed to be somewhere else.
Some people have friends that go shopping all the time with each other, some people get invited at least to the next event. I don't
Fuck it I met my 'best friends' boyfriend through default.
I don't actually get invited anywhere... although thats not even the change really is it. I never really did fit in with the cinema outings, the shopping trips. I don't think I have actually ever been invited to go shopping. I don't even want it to start now, this has already been said, its too late. I wish you guys would actually even spare a thought you know. But you don't.
It doesn't bode well for trust you know, something I clearly have issues with now.

I can't drop things anymore. I have the strangest paranoia, I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, I feel fucking fat and I'm so fucking ugly. Fact is, this has always bothered me. No one's even noticed the change. No ones even fucking bothered. And I can't stop thinking after everything I fucking did, everything. The way I'd keep watch on you, the way I'd ask you if you were ok, the way I'd sit and talk with you whenever you decided things wheren't so sunny, they aren't always, and those times on msn when you'd all decide you hated each other.
And now, I don't even deserve a second glance. Well thats fucking great. I love you too.

I was always lucky to get a 'how're you', I seized every fucking chance to open up just to feel awkward when your eyes would o dead with uncaringness. Half of you didn't even manage a happy birthday, despite the fact me and Jill pulled off an epic party. Thanks very much.

Maybe its this unrequited friendship that sickened Liz off, I never stopped responding to her, it was the lack of response from you. Ok thats unfair, I don't know why she went, I want her fucking back.

You know I need to return to my alcohol and smoking, thats my problem. I have such a lot to learn from my dad, he's so happy in his own company, he doesn't need anyone, he's not fucking weak... although he's seen too much. 

I'm sick of being ignored.

I can see this all having been a fucking huge waste of my time.

these meds aren't working either... I'm so fucking frustrated.

Fuck I need to get away from this, its fucking crushing me. I need to get away before it fucking kills me.

I dunno what has brought this on, I suppose it was Luke saying he's apologize to Lauren for 'being a dick when she apologized' his words, not mine. I dunno its made me all happy, its a really big step for him to take, I think he feels happier too, he's learning to drive. I think Luke has this effect on people.

So what I was going to write is this, I write things in my head

I have an OCD complex on documenting things, an obsession some people would call it, other people would call it a knack for taking down events. It started five years ago when I was Broken beat and scarred I use Metallica because they put things so well.
And while I was out smoking I realized I'll only make those footsteps once, and only once so i better make them right, because I am a legend and so is everyone else.
Syph, the most open closed book ever.
So I suppose the question is, who are you? And yes of course you are a legend even if you can't answer it right now. You just aren't sure yet. and that is fine. :)

I love you all ^.^

xx
 

I suppose its strange, they work alright. Its jst the fact I have to admit to myself now that I do have this problem, it does exist after all the time i spent blaming it on a bad week, a bad month a bad choice and that it happened all the time. The ways I'd dither over my judgement or I'd plain just want to end it. How could I have seen this as normal. Although really looking at my surroundings its not really that surprising.
I thought it was some subconcious part of me that wanted to join in with the whole 'oh I have a problem' but I do and its here and its very real now.
I just can't believe I passed it off for so long.

Me and chance are talking again now, I think she was suprised that I opened a conversation, I was too to be honest.
I do feel a lot better for them. I just feel more optimistic. I wonder what'll happen at the end of this month on them though... will he take them off me? Oh I don't know, I'm not even gunna think that far ahead yet.

I've been getting on with my creative stuff... thats what I'm best at after all ^.^
I like to be productive, now it i just get rid of some weight hopefully I'll be flying.